March 3, 2010

You've Earned Your Badge in Mommyhood When ...

I'm sure many mothers can identify with the following statements. Of course, all of these were personally inspired by my very own toddlers.

You have earned your badge in mommyhood when …

1.) You find yourself eating the regurgitated crumbs your toddler spit out and slopped into your hand, while out on a walk, because you didn’t have time to eat breakfast and what else were you supposed to do with it. The though of that being semidisgusting, if ever occurring, is of course only a brief afterthought.

2.) At the end of the day you realize you’re styling a bouffant, almost as awesome as your 80s bangs. But that’s what happens when you’re running around for 13 hours, wiping bottoms and noses, sometimes both at the same time, saying do this, don’t do that, put this back on, wipe this off, come back here, and look at mommy when she’s talking to you.”

3.) Privacy is a luxury of the past because to a toddler it may even seem a wonderful thought to give mommy a hug while she herself is on the potty.

4.) You qualify to enter the 2009 "My Baby Can Scream Louder than Yours So Help Me Jesus" Contest.

5.) While holding new baby, some ignorant but well meaning, old man points to your post baby bump and asks you, “When are you due?” And you somehow fake a smile and politely respond that your not, but walk away secretly debating if you should clobber him with your diaper bag.

6.) You are officially fluent in toddlerese: example: “I no Yike it. Too Bicey! PON peeease. Mommy nice!” really translates to: “Dearest Mother, my young, delicate palate is having difficulty savoring this robust spice on this delectable chicken, but would you be so kind as to instead, please pass the gray poupon! And by the way, I aspire to grow up to look just like you because you’re the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen.” 

7.) You wake up one day and realize you have been monitoring the frequency, consistency, and color of another human being’s poops!

8.) You have accepted the fact that some days the fact that the house has not yet burned down is an accomplishment of itself.

9.) You’ve had at least one phone conversation that goes something like: “Sorry Mr. Police Officer, 911 Operator, Neighbor, person on speed dial # 4, etc. It was my toddler that somehow called you.  I deeply apologize. Yes, everything is okay.”

10.) In spite of mommyhood being the hardest job you've ever endured, you wouldn't have it any other way.

Posted by Laura 

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