March 9, 2010

50 Things I Never Knew I’d Have to Teach My Child

Have you ever considered how many times you have to tell your Toddler "NO" a day? Here's my list. And I'm just getting started. 

  1. No, we don’t put diaper ointment on Barbie’s face, your kitchen set, and Hello kitty’s bottom.
  1. No, we don’t take off all our clothes and run around naked! Especially, not when we have company and not out in public!
  1. No, we don’t draw on our face with markers the moment mommy turns her head! Especially Not bright red marker when Mommy and Daddy are in the middle of a business meeting.
  1. No, we don’t stick raisins, beans, popcorn kernels, jelly beans, etc. up our nose!
  1. No, we don’t take random items off the store shelf and put them in the stroller without paying for them! Especially not the men’s boxers with the little pink birds on them near the check out counter of American Eagle!
  1. No, we don’t take all the wipes out of the holder and decorate the room with baby wipes!
  1. No, we don’t put barrettes in our infant brother’s hair!
  1. No, we don’t pull out all the drawers in the dresser and climb on top of it!
  1. No, we don’t find “treasures” in the trash can!
  1. No, we don’t use random toys as a stool to climb up on the bookshelf!
  1. No, we don’t intentionally jump off the furniture to see where we land. We could get a booboo doing that.
  1. No, we don’t spit out our food and stick it on Mommy’s plate, on the table, under your chair, or in your hair! Especially, not when we’re out at a restaurant.
  1. No, we don’t drink the bath water. That is dirty water!
  1. No, the bath is NOT your big, personal potty!
  1. No, we don’t stick our tooth brush up the faucet.
  1. No, we don’t lick the floor of sears, the shopping cart, or your big toe!
  1. No, we don’t pick grandma’s cherry tomatoes and eat them without asking!
  1. No, we don’t use our hair and shirt to wipe the ketchup off our hands!
  1. No, we don’t smear diaper ointment on our chin and cheeks, at least not those cheeks!
  1. No, we don’t stick the entire can of whip cream in our mouth! I know you “yike it” but that’s not nice.
  1. No, we don’t scream at the top of our lungs when mommy is on the phone, in the car, in the store, at church, or sleeping!
  1. No, broccoli is not a flower to be placed in your hair and we don’t stick the fork down our shirt.
  1. No, we don’t try to drive the car without a license! Your feet need to be able to reach the breaks and you need to be able to see over the steering wheel.
  1. No, we don’t ask mommy “Why” when she has already told you the reason “Why Not.” Who taught you that question, anyway!
  1. No, we don’t put the straw in our ear or up our nose. It is only for one hole in your head—your mouth!
  1. No, We don’t strip down and slather hand soap in our hair and all over our body when mommy is in the other room thinking you are just washing your hands.
  1. No, we don’t draw with crayons on the walls, your shoes, stuffed animals, and library books!
  1. No, we don’t sit on Mommy’s head.
  1. No, we don’t color kitty’s face with a pink highlighter.
  1. No, we NEVER pick up off the playground someone else’s pre-chewed gum and eat it!
  1. No, we don’t play hide and seek in the clothes rack at Target.
  1. No, we don’t change our clothes into a bathing suit, Hawaiian skirt, three princess dresses layered ontop of a tutu! Especially not after Mommy already dressed you and had you all ready not to mention the fact we are already running late!
  1. No, we don’t eat the toothpaste.
  1. No, you’re not supposed to squeeze all the toothpaste out to decorate the sink.
  1. No, “helping Mommy” fold the laundry is not unfolding the clothes and throwing them around the room.
  1. No, when an egg has broken on the floor, we don’t stick our finger in it and lick it in the two seconds Mommy turned away to get a paper towel.
  1. No, we don’t poop on the rug! OR on your bed. 
  1. No, we don’t poop in the pool! Or on the grass in our backyard next to the pool!
  1. No we don’t play with our poop! Or worse, try to fingerpaint the crib and room with it.
  1. No, naptime is NOT the time to take all your clothes out of your dresser and toys out of the closet especially NOT after Mommy just cleaned your room!
  1. No, we don’t take glitter that Mommy thought she had hidden in the closet and sprinkle it all over the dining room table and rug.
  1. No, we don’t take the DVDs out of the cabinet and use it as a “pretty plate” for your princess doll.
  1. No, your princess pajamas are not going to fit over daddy’s head. But thank you for trying to share.
  1. No, we don’t blow our noses on our shirt, in our pillow, or on our blanket. 
  1. No, we don’t put our baby brother’s pacifier in our mouth or in the neighbor’s dog’s mouth!
  1. No, helping Mommy clean is not pouring the entire bottle of hand soap on the glass table.
  1. No, we don’t say yes, when mommy asks you if you need a reminder to behave.  The only correct answer, is “Mommy, I will listen.”
  1.  NO, we don’t scream at the top of our lungs like we are dying just because Mommy says No.
  1. The last and most important rule of all:  No, we don’t say no to mommy!
  1. Remember, Mommy only says "No" because she loves you very much. 

Posted by Laura 

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