On How to Make Mommy Pee

Dear Toddler girl,

Hi there, it’s your friend Mr. Peepee. Yes, it is very dark outside—but it’s morning time and you can get up now. Oh, come on, I really am your friend. Ok, sorry I got you in trouble for following you across the living room carpet last week—hey, Mommy needs to learn these messes are no big deal especially when over at a friend’s house! Hey, that wasn’t half as bad as when your brother invited me to fly across his bedroom onto the dresser mirror last month! Really. Trust me. Anyway, I have a fun activity for you this morning. Yes, this is something Mommy is going to absolutely scream her head off with excitement this morning . . . Wanna help?

Okay, it’s quite simple. Just go and grab that shiny blue container of dental floss. Yes, the one right there on Mommy’s bathroom counter. Shhhhhh. Be quiet. Not time to wake her just yet. Got it? Okay, now go unravel just a little bit and go dangle that white thread above and across Mommy’s face! Just lightly. Yes, I know she’s sleeping right now, but that’s the point! Oh good, I see you’ve quietly climbed onto her bed to do this. Trust me, she’s going to LOVE the way this feels.

Yes! Yes! You have the hang of it now. What? Oh, why is Mommy scrunching up her face? That’s because she really is enjoying this! Yes, look at the way she is slapping her cheeks with enthusiasm! Okay, now when Mommy screams as though she is being attacked—that is when you are going to ask her to floss your teeth. No, Mommy’s not screaming because she thinks a tarantula is shriveling its way across her skin. Trust me she’s slapping her face because she’s so proud of you for wanting to keep your teeth clean. And the screaming as though she’s dying? That’s because I’m about to make a surprise visit to her in her sleep!


Your pal,

Mr. Peepee

P.S.—If you thought that made her pee, just wait till she finds out she’s officially off the waiting list at the 2010 NYC Blogher conference. She and I are going to be best buds!


Yes, it's official. I'm going to blogher! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! I can't wait to meet so many awesome women! And, learn and share with you the experience. Let me know if you're going. And if not, what you want me to tell you about it.


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Posted by Laura

Dear Mr. Poopie

March 24, 2010

Dear Mr. Poopie,

I know you must feel ever so proud of yourself the way you brought a surprise attack against me this morning, waiting until AFTER I had already bathed, diapered, olive-oiled, dressed, and put my baby boy down for a nap to disguise yourself as silly putty. I bet you smiled to see him playing with you, rubbing you all over the rails of his crib, his blankee, his teddy bear, his crib sheet, his shirt, his jeans. Perhaps, you even laughed out loud when he mistook you for peanut butter and smeared some near his mouth, his chin, his nose, his cheeks, his hair, his ankles and heels. And, yes, I’ll give you that it was very cleaver teaming up with your friend Mr. Peepee who ever-so-forcefully shot out like a spring rain across the rug and onto my little boy’s dresser mirror for an extra special touch.

Sure, you were successful in getting yourself all over my shirt, my arms, my hands, as I lifted my boy into the bathtub and scrubbed and rinsed him all clean.  You know what, I was going to take a shower anyway! And, I’ll have you know that I happened to enjoy sanitizing the bathroom, his crib, his rug, and his bedroom even if it was the third time this week. Have you forgotten that I’m an Italian neat freak who finds joy in cleaning my home? And, my little boy happened to enjoy his second bath of the day.

So, know this: I have a Clorox wipe and I know how to use it! I may have lost this battle, but I will win the war. I’m going to find out all the best products to bring destruction on your front and tell all my mommy friends about how to best combat you. You’re going down. Be afraid.

Sincerely,

Melodramommy

P.S.—By the way, little-toddler-girl no longer thinks you’re cute. In fact, she’s calling her daddy to come after you, cause when she saw the mess you made this morning, she told me: “Don’t worry Mommy, Daddy will clean it!” She knows her daddy can fix anything.


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Posted by Laura 

Little Artist Meets Big Eraser

Dear Magic Eraser,

Thank you for cleaning the red, blue, and green crayon scribbles off my "little artist's" bedroom walls, white wicker furniture, and toddler bed rails today. If you could just hold your enthusiasm and not strip the paint off the walls, this could be a wonderful new turn in our relationship.  I also think it’s time that you told me, where do you disappear off to after our time together?

Sincerely,

Melodramommy

P.S.—Maybe next time you could take a little longer to clean the crayon off so my 2-year-old doesn’t think drawing everywhere is so easily remedied. 

Posted by Laura