Womb for Rent? Baby Wants His Bachelor Pad!

Distorted sleeping arrangements while on a family vacation led me to a teeny tiny bed where I attempted to snuggle up to a wild baby boy who was dreaming of fighting a war and mommy was trapped in the battle! Thus came my guest post yesterday at Mommy Monologues on the hazards of sleeping with baby. But there is one more baby sleep fantasy yet to be exposed. And this is a big one. I didn’t realize it until the last night of our vacation . . .

All through a sleepless night baby boy was hacking a cough all over me. So I turned my back to him in efforts to inhale a clean breath of phlegm-free air. What does he do? He gets into fetal position and digs his feet into my back. I try sliding over a bit to give my myself more room, but he’s inching closer and closer, pressing his pointy toes deeper and deeper into my spine until I’m almost falling off the edge of the bed. I think to myself, “Child, you can’t climb back in my uterus that way!” and that is when the revelation struck me: baby is attempting what is perhaps the greatest baby sleep fantasy of all—crawling back into that perfect warm place of his beginnings. Surely and steadily, baby's plotting to find a way to make mommy’s womb once again open for rent!

Think about it! Why is it that once baby is born he’s suddenly slurping spit up on Mommy’s new blouse, shrieking at pitches that just might pop an ear drum, exploding poop across a room at forces that just might dent the walls! It’s time to face the facts, ladies! Baby don’t like the cold, stark, new housing arrangements, and he’s trying to make mommy miserable enough to reverse that 9-month-eviction policy. He’s got plans of his own.

Consider this: For 9 months, baby had the perfect bachelor pad! There was no need to put forth so much effort to move when you're floating in weightlessness. Oh the ambiance was just perfect: no harsh noises, no blinding lights, the perfect warm temperature comparable to that of laying in the sun at the beach, but even better! No need for sunscreen. No need for scratchy clothes. Nothing to disturb his sleep. To top it off, it was a place that never needing cleaning or cooking or where he had to eat that yucky baby jar food, or worse, encounter random big-headed people with bad breath who invade his personal space and say things like, “My what chubby cheeks you have!” or “My, aren’t you gassy!” and “Oh look at that little cone head!” Baby had 9 months of freedom! There were no rules, no interruptions, no invasion of privacy, no cold wipes, and there definitely wasn’t that unending list of a mommy’s most frequently used word--NO! He goes from complete independence to being told when to eat, sleep, what to wear, and where to poop! Surely life was better BEFORE that catastrophic day when an earthquake sent him sliding and gliding out of his home! (And don’t we all wish it was as easy as that sounds!)

Let’s face it Mommies, can you blame baby? The problem lies in the fact that Mommy's womb is just plain AWESOME! Mommy’s womb was the ultimate jungle gym that he could climb the walls by simply rotating in circles without ever falling. Mommy’s womb was the ferris wheel at the fair that would go round and round but—no tickets needed. Mommy’s womb was the spa, a whirlpool of soothing warm water without a time limit or needing to leave a tip! Mommy’s womb was an unending adventure, where he could swing on that umbilical cord, playing Tarzan, King Kong, and Spiderman all in the same day! Mommy’s womb even came equipped with its own surround sound system and proved to not only be a comfy home but a really awesome ride--no need to pay for fuel--that's Mommy's job. Finally, the best part of Mommy’s womb was that it meant being constantly closest to Mommy; cause after all, he might be the smallest love bug, but he's surely is your greatest fan.

So, Mommies, baby wants the bachelor pad back and yes, it’s the greatest hindrance to our sleep but its also one of the greatest compliments in life! Had we not done such a great job growing a human being in our bellies for 9 months, packing on those extra pounds of loving, enduring stretch marks, nausea, fatigue, swelling, aches, a complete body transformation, and of course all those well-meaning-but-rude remarks about how cute you look when you waddle, baby might not want to go back to the place of his roots. And so, be forewarned before you try snuggling with baby: he’s gonna try to move back in and will do a number on your stats in sleep deprivation. Well, there’s only one way to fight this ultimate baby fantasy: just give it some more time--oh, it's that painful word--PATIENCE! Soon enough, baby's gonna realize it’s even better being in your arms, sitting on your lap, feeling your kisses, and staring into your warm eyes. When that day comes you just might get your sleep! But (sigh) you know what comes next. The desire for independence isn't going away. Before you know it he’ll be (gasp!) going off to college seeking a place of his own! On that day, Mommy just might wonder if he can earn his degree while still swinging from that umbilical cord--rent free!

Comments anyone?

Thanks for your continued voting for me in the top mommy blogs by clicking right of this post. We’re #2 in humor.

Posted by Laura

Baby Sleep Fantasies Exposed: The Dangers of Sleeping with Baby

Today I'm really excited to share that I will be guest posting for a great mommy blogging friend of mine, Kate @ mommy monologues. Kate, like me, is relatively new to the blogging world and has already built herself quite a following. Can you blame us? She's hillarious, encouraging, entertaining, and honest! Not to mention proof that you CAN make real mommy friends in the bloggy world, even when you fear stalkers.

So please, go there and comment! Share the love. My post is about exposing the dangers of sleeping with baby. And no, I'm not talking about the dangers to baby! Sleeping with baby can be a real Hazard to MOMMY! That's something the doctor failed to warn me about. That's something that I learned new dangers while forced to share a bed with the toddlers while on vacation at the beach last week. I really have some battle wounds to show for myself now! Click here to find out my TOP FIVE LIST!

Thanks again Kate for the opportunity to share such an important warning on your blog!

Posted by Laura

Mommy is Sleep Deprived when . . .

Let's face it, sleep is a luxury of the past in the day and life of a mom with little ones.  Perhaps the following sounds familiar. Here are some of the things I found myself doing over the past year. 

Mommy is sleep deprived when . . . 

1.)   Even though you set your alarm so loud it can be heard across the entire house, it fails to wake you; but of course, while it is sounding you dream that you are trying to turn it off again and again and conclude that it must be broken.

2.)   When you wake up, thanks to toddler poking you in the face OR baby screaming, you have no idea what time, day, or calendar year it is.

3.)   In that moment, you wonder if your baby or toddler has a snooze button.

4.)   You think, If only I could pay my children to sleep in.

5.)   Oh how you need that cup of coffee! If only you were paying attention you wouldn’t have ruined it by pouring the orange juice in it instead of the milk.

6.)   While serving breakfast, you give 2YO the baby’s bottle and baby the French toast. What’s wrong with this picture you wonder.

7.)   Before loading everyone into the car, you rush up the stairs to get something; but can’t remember what it is by the time you get there! You of course remember as your about to drive away … your cell phone!

8.)   Okay so this is definitely a morning that calls for more coffee on the run, so you pull to the drive through window but are confused at why the woman is looking at you funny and won’t hand it over. Oh, you forgot to pay first.

9.)   You forget to put a diaper on your NON potty trained toddler but don’t discover this mistake until pee has soaked half the car seat.

10.)                  Finally, all are loaded into the stroller, you’re ready for your big adventure out--be it going to work, or the store, or the doctor, when you look down and realize you’re still wearing your bathrobe!

Thanks for voting for me in the top mommy blogs and helping us be #7 in the Humor category. You can help me move further up the ranks by clicking the button to the top right of this post. You can vote once a day. 

Posted by Laura

Why Mommy Can't Sleep on the Job: Part II

I thought I could beat the system by sneaking in a little nap while my 2YO was watching some TV and this is what happens . . .

So what have I learned? 

1.) It is absolutely necessary for both toddlers to nap at the same time if there is to be any hope of Mommy napping.

2.) Daddy may NOT have a camera handy while Mommy is napping. 

3.) Foam stickers work wonders at removing facial hair as I'm now missing 1/8 of my left eyebrow to show for it. I guess I need to add this to my list of mommy casualties.

Posted by Laura

Why Mommy Can't Sleep on the Job: Part I

It's a conspiracy. Those poopies are tired of me capturing them and ganged up with a stomach virus to war against me last night in full force.  I did double duty combating them both through diaper changes and potty runs around the clock.  Look, I may be exhausted from limping around in the dark of night to rescue both 2YO and 1YO with only one eye open, but I'm not about to accept defeat, sleep or no sleep. And so, yes, I'm totally sleep deprived today. But, the most important fact is that this Mommy is still reigning victorious over the nomadic poopie! 

Posted by Laura

How to Quarantine Mommy

Yesterday, I quarantined my husband (see the post Seven Ways to Quarantine Daddy.)  On top of getting to spend the entire day in bed, enjoying undisturbed napping, and a most important toy-free path to the toilet, he got served breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed—yes, I got off the hook easy since all he wanted was water. And after I put the kids to bed, dealing with a few tantrums, as a 2YO and 1YO surprisingly don't automatically adjust to daylight savings, I made a late night trip to the ole Food Lion to get his one craving, vanilla ice cream sandwiches.

Well, today, I think it’s only fair that I invite him to return the favor and quarantine me: No, you don’t have to wait for Mommy to be sick with the stomach flu. Just grab the kids and take them away for the day. No need to barricade the door.  I voluntarily will lie in bed all day long. No questions asked.  And when you return, don’t forget to bring home the ice cream.  I’ll take a Cold Stone signature creation “All Lovin’ No Oven”—because the name says it all.

Posted by Laura