May 5, 2010

Womb for Rent? Baby Wants His Bachelor Pad!

Distorted sleeping arrangements while on a family vacation led me to a teeny tiny bed where I attempted to snuggle up to a wild baby boy who was dreaming of fighting a war and mommy was trapped in the battle! Thus came my guest post yesterday at Mommy Monologues on the hazards of sleeping with baby. But there is one more baby sleep fantasy yet to be exposed. And this is a big one. I didn’t realize it until the last night of our vacation . . .

All through a sleepless night baby boy was hacking a cough all over me. So I turned my back to him in efforts to inhale a clean breath of phlegm-free air. What does he do? He gets into fetal position and digs his feet into my back. I try sliding over a bit to give my myself more room, but he’s inching closer and closer, pressing his pointy toes deeper and deeper into my spine until I’m almost falling off the edge of the bed. I think to myself, “Child, you can’t climb back in my uterus that way!” and that is when the revelation struck me: baby is attempting what is perhaps the greatest baby sleep fantasy of all—crawling back into that perfect warm place of his beginnings. Surely and steadily, baby's plotting to find a way to make mommy’s womb once again open for rent!

Think about it! Why is it that once baby is born he’s suddenly slurping spit up on Mommy’s new blouse, shrieking at pitches that just might pop an ear drum, exploding poop across a room at forces that just might dent the walls! It’s time to face the facts, ladies! Baby don’t like the cold, stark, new housing arrangements, and he’s trying to make mommy miserable enough to reverse that 9-month-eviction policy. He’s got plans of his own.

Consider this: For 9 months, baby had the perfect bachelor pad! There was no need to put forth so much effort to move when you're floating in weightlessness. Oh the ambiance was just perfect: no harsh noises, no blinding lights, the perfect warm temperature comparable to that of laying in the sun at the beach, but even better! No need for sunscreen. No need for scratchy clothes. Nothing to disturb his sleep. To top it off, it was a place that never needing cleaning or cooking or where he had to eat that yucky baby jar food, or worse, encounter random big-headed people with bad breath who invade his personal space and say things like, “My what chubby cheeks you have!” or “My, aren’t you gassy!” and “Oh look at that little cone head!” Baby had 9 months of freedom! There were no rules, no interruptions, no invasion of privacy, no cold wipes, and there definitely wasn’t that unending list of a mommy’s most frequently used word--NO! He goes from complete independence to being told when to eat, sleep, what to wear, and where to poop! Surely life was better BEFORE that catastrophic day when an earthquake sent him sliding and gliding out of his home! (And don’t we all wish it was as easy as that sounds!)

Let’s face it Mommies, can you blame baby? The problem lies in the fact that Mommy's womb is just plain AWESOME! Mommy’s womb was the ultimate jungle gym that he could climb the walls by simply rotating in circles without ever falling. Mommy’s womb was the ferris wheel at the fair that would go round and round but—no tickets needed. Mommy’s womb was the spa, a whirlpool of soothing warm water without a time limit or needing to leave a tip! Mommy’s womb was an unending adventure, where he could swing on that umbilical cord, playing Tarzan, King Kong, and Spiderman all in the same day! Mommy’s womb even came equipped with its own surround sound system and proved to not only be a comfy home but a really awesome ride--no need to pay for fuel--that's Mommy's job. Finally, the best part of Mommy’s womb was that it meant being constantly closest to Mommy; cause after all, he might be the smallest love bug, but he's surely is your greatest fan.

So, Mommies, baby wants the bachelor pad back and yes, it’s the greatest hindrance to our sleep but its also one of the greatest compliments in life! Had we not done such a great job growing a human being in our bellies for 9 months, packing on those extra pounds of loving, enduring stretch marks, nausea, fatigue, swelling, aches, a complete body transformation, and of course all those well-meaning-but-rude remarks about how cute you look when you waddle, baby might not want to go back to the place of his roots. And so, be forewarned before you try snuggling with baby: he’s gonna try to move back in and will do a number on your stats in sleep deprivation. Well, there’s only one way to fight this ultimate baby fantasy: just give it some more time--oh, it's that painful word--PATIENCE! Soon enough, baby's gonna realize it’s even better being in your arms, sitting on your lap, feeling your kisses, and staring into your warm eyes. When that day comes you just might get your sleep! But (sigh) you know what comes next. The desire for independence isn't going away. Before you know it he’ll be (gasp!) going off to college seeking a place of his own! On that day, Mommy just might wonder if he can earn his degree while still swinging from that umbilical cord--rent free!

Comments anyone?

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Posted by Laura


Law Momma said...

You are SO right. My kid is always trying to get closer. Like TOO close. Now I know why. :) Makes perfect sense!

Melodramommy said...

Thanks Law Momma! It's good to know we're not alone. Now, time to take a nap--alone!

Maureen said...

what a great post! Yes now I know why when my son sleep with me he always have to tuck either a foot or his arm under my back LOL. Great blog you have! Love it!

Kate Pantier @ Mommy Monologues said...

This is hilarious!!!

Anonymous said...

So funny! And it makes perfect sense! :)